Holding On
by Smackalicious
Summary: After the events of Dead Man Walking and Skeletons, Ziva looks for some comfort. McGeeZiva romance. Oneshot. Also spoilers for season 2 episode Witness.


**Author's Notes: Alright. This is intended as a oneshot. After seeing "Dead Man Walking," I was thinking, and I was like, I really want to write a McGee/Ziva fic, because I've realized a recent obsession of sorts with this pairing. And then I remembered the episode "Witness" from season 2, and realized how I could make a fic with the two of them. So here it is. **

* * *

Ziva was there when Roy finally passed, clenching his hand in hers, staring blankly at his motionless body. Gibbs had came by, offered to drive her home, get her some coffee, something, but she declined, heading for the garden.

She walked around the small pond, gazing at the flowers sprinkled across the grounds, wondering how everything could still be so beautiful, just continue to grow and flourish, when an innocent man was dead. She thought back to those mornings, where she'd jog past him in the dim sunlight that filtered through the clouds, how she had never given him a second glance, never imagined she would be standing here, mourning his death.

She shook her head free of the thoughts. He was dead. There was nothing she could do about that, as much as she wished things were different. She had initially been upset with herself for falling for Roy in the first place – she didn't get attached to people. She had made that decision early in her life, and when she joined Mossad, that decision had been solidified. She saw people die all the time – if she started to become attached to them, she wouldn't be able to do her job effectively. And that would be deadly.

So she really was fine. It wasn't just something she had told Gibbs to get him to stop offering her cups of coffee, it was the truth. That's what she told herself, at least.

McGee seemed to think otherwise. They had been speaking with family members of some deceased soldiers, and afterward, he commented that she had been, "emotional in there." Of course, she waved it off as him simply being insensitive, as Tony had claimed, and attempting to discredit her work.

But she knew that was a lie. McGee would never intentionally try to hurt her or claim her work as anything less than stellar. That was just the way he was.

And later, in Abby's lab, after the monstrous hug that threatened to end her life (seriously, if someone could kill using hugs, it would be Abby), she did feel a bit emotional. It wasn't every day that she did get attached to someone, and losing Roy had been hard on her, even if she had only known him for a few days.

She thanked Abby for the hug and wandered back to the elevator, contemplating how she would deal with this. As she reached the bullpen, still deep in her thoughts, the doors slid open and she walked out, running into McGee.

"Whoa, Ziva," he said, stepping back from her. "Might wanna pay closer attention."

"What?" she asked, seemingly just noticing him. She shook her head. "Oh, right. I will. Thank you."

She walked to her desk and sat down, entering her password into her computer, as McGee stared after her, curious about her sudden spaciness.

"Ziva? Are you okay?" He retreated back to the bullpen, eyebrows narrowed in concern.

She looked up at him over her monitor. "Yes. Yes, I am fine. Why do you ask, McGee?"

"It's just that," he paused to collect his words, "you seem a little...out of it lately." He squatted in front of her desk, causing her to raise an eyebrow at him. "Is it...the Roy thing?"

Ziva let out a heavy sigh and rolled her eyes ceiling-ward. "No, it is not 'the Roy thing.' God, I don't understand why you people can't just let me be!" She stood up again and headed for the elevator, since it was obvious she wouldn't get any work done here.

McGee bounced to his feet and quickly followed her. "Ziva, I'm sorry! I just thought maybe you wanted to talk."

She spun to face him, nearly knocking him over in the process. "I do not want to talk about it. I've told that to Gibbs and Tony and Ducky and Abby. What makes you think you would be any different?" She gave him a fierce stare, then when the elevator doors slid open, stepped inside and reached for the button to close the car. Before she could, however, McGee pushed his way past the rapidly closing doors, garnering another glare from the Mossad officer. "What are you doing?"

"It's obvious this thing is eating away at you, so I'm forcing you to talk about it," McGee responded.

Ziva laughed bitterly. "You will not be able to _force _me to do anything, McGee. I'm a trained killer. I could off you at a moment's notice and no one would be the wiser."

McGee gulped. "Ziva, I'm not trying to piss you off..."

She spit out a laugh. "Oh, really? Then you're failing miserably."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I know how you feel right now." He opened his eyes again and saw Ziva giving him a doubtful look.

"How could you possibly know how I feel? I'm sure you've fallen for someone during the course of an investigation and then she died. Because that happens so often."

"Yes," he said softly, and Ziva stopped talking, looking up at him. "She was a witness to a murder. Her name was Erin. Gibbs thought I could handle the case."

"I'm sorry," Ziva replied somewhat stiffly. "I didn't know." She paused. "That doesn't mean I want to talk about it."

"Are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow at her, waiting for her to swat his question away again.

To his surprise, she shook her head. "No. No, I'm not sure. I don't know if I want to talk about it, I don't know if I _don't_ want to talk about it, I just don't know..." She looked up at him. "Does this make me weak?"

McGee simply stared at her, unsure of what exactly she was referring to.

She ignored his lack of response and continued. "You know, I told myself a long time ago that I wouldn't allow myself to become attached to people. People die. That's what people do. And emotional attachment is something I can't afford in this profession."

"Ziva, you can't just distance yourself from everyone," McGee said softly. "That's no life. Admitting you care about someone doesn't make you weak. It makes you human. We're all human. And people love. _That's_ what people do, Ziva. Not everything in life is bad."

"But there's so much that is," Ziva said, looking him in the eye. She slumped down to sit on the floor of the car, and McGee reached over to flip the elevator off, since it was obvious they would be there awhile and he didn't want anyone to interrupt them. "How do you do it?"

He continued to look confused. "Do what, Ziva?"

She sighed and made a motion with her hands. "This. This..talking and trying to make people feel better about themselves."

"Um, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not exactly Mr. Feelgood."

"Who?"

McGee shook his head. "Never mind. The point is, we've all been in these kind of situations before." She gave him a look. "Well, not this _exact _situation. But sometimes you find yourself in a position that doesn't make much sense logically, but every part of your heart is telling you to just go for it. And you have to listen to that if you really want to be happy."

Ziva tipped her head at him. "You really think love conquers all, don't you?"

He shrugged. "Well, yeah, I guess. I've always thought love was very important." He suddenly stopped talking. "You aren't going to tell Tony that, are you?"

She laughed. "No. No, I won't tell Tony that." She let out a deep breath, her shoulders rising and then falling as she did so. "I feel better. I do. Thank you."

He smiled at her. "It's no problem, Ziva. I'd like to consider us friends, and it's important to be there for your friends."

She nodded, smiling herself. "Yes, I do think so." She paused, then put her hands on her thighs. "We should probably get out of here before the rumors start to fly."

McGee laughed nervously. "You really think people would think...?"

Ziva shrugged. "With Tony out there and us in here, probably."

"You're right. Come on, I'll help you up." McGee stood and offered a hand to Ziva, who was already on her way to standing, when the elevator jolted back on, knocking them both off balance, and leaving Ziva straddling McGee.

Ziva shook her head, dazed from the sudden fall, and looked up at the controls. "I thought you were the one who turned that off." She remained atop him, hands pressing the floor of the car.

"Yeah, yeah, I did," McGee said, distracted by the presence of Ziva's breasts in his face. "Um, Ziva, would you mind...?"

She looked down at him. "What? Oh! Sorry." She shimmied her hands back and popped herself up to a standing position, remaining astride him, so he was now staring directly up her crotch.

He closed his eyes against the image. "Ziva, can you help me up?"

"Sure." She reached down and took his hands in hers, pulling him to an upright postion. However, his weight overtook hers, and they ended up pressed against the back wall of the elevator, McGee pushing his body into hers. "Well. Looks like we keep ending up in this position."

"I guess so," McGee said. A moment of silence passed, and just as McGee was about to step away, Ziva suddenly kissed him.

It was short, just a quick peck, but it was enough to make both of them turn away. This could only confuse things further.

"Uh, I should..." McGee trailed off, stepping away from her, not knowing what exactly to say.

"I'm sorry," Ziva apologized. "I just... I didn't know what else to do. You were being so sweet, and then you were pressed up against me and I could smell your cologne..."

"I know what happened, Ziva," McGee insisted. "You don't have to repeat it."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she repeated. "I should've asked you before I..."

This time, she was cut off by McGee kissing her. This kiss was longer, slightly fervent in nature, and as soon as she had realized what was happening, he pulled away, turning to the other side of the car.

"This is bad," he said. "Very bad. I mean, you're trying to get over Roy, and what do I do? I kiss you? That's not right."

"No, McGee, you were caught up in the moment, just like I was," Ziva attempted to rationalize. She paused. "Besides, maybe I have always felt a bit of an attraction to you..."

"No!" He turned to face her. "Don't say that. You're just feeling vulnerable. I told you it was okay to feel for other people, not to hide your true feelings, and now you think you have to admit an attraction to me. I'm not expecting anything, Ziva. It's better that nothing happen here."

She looked confused. "Are you saying you aren't attracted to me? Because I assure you, I wouldn't lie about something like this."

"No, Ziva," McGee said, sighing. "I'm trying to tell you that regardless of how I feel about you, or if I'm attracted to you, we can't get involved. Nothing good would come from it."

"And how do you know that?" Ziva asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "Aren't you the one who believes love conquers all? And suddenly you're not willing to take that chance?"

McGee threw his head back in frustration. "Ziva, this isn't love. You're just very..."

"If you say 'vulnerable' again, I will punch you in the face," Ziva warned.

McGee let out a breath, choosing a different phrase. "Listen, you said yourself that you don't get attached to people. Why now, suddenly? Why are you choosing to do this with me, of all people?"

"Why not?" she asked, and McGee paused. She had a point. He had seen a different part of her when she developed feelings for Roy, and who's to say that those feelings weren't a major part of who Ziva really was?

He shook his head. "We just...can't."

Ziva scoffed. "That's a pretty lame excuse."

He cursed himself mentally. It _was _a lame excuse. "Gibbs would kill us."

She stepped forward and took his hands in hers, surprising him, and surprising herself, as well. "I'm not asking you to marry me, McGee. It would just..." She looked down at their intertwined hands. "It would be nice to just have someone, you know, to hold me?" She glanced up at him, expecting him to be shaking his head. Instead, he was looking down at her with an expression of sympathy.

He rubbed his thumbs across her knuckles. "I can do that." His mouth turned up into a slight smile, and hers did, too, as she looked back down at their hands. He gathered her to him and pressed a kiss into her curls, enjoying the feel of her warm body against his. "You can be sure I won't let you down or do anything stupid."

She looked up at him. "And how can I know that?"

He shrugged. "You must know at least a thousand ways to kill me."

She laughed, and the elevator dinged, announcing its destination. They separated to step out. As they were walking towards their desks, Ziva spoke.

"Two thousand, McGee."

He smirked at her, and she returned the grin, while Tony, who had returned to his desk, looked on in confusion. This would be their secret, that they would provide the comfort needed when it was needed to each other, to be there for each other, to simply...hold on.


End file.
